Monday, May 14, 2012

Daddy's Girl

My dad isn't in my life. He never was. My mom made the good decision to leave him after I was born because he refused to grow up and drop his toxic addictions. I've always known and felt that my being father-less was for the best. Nothing good could have come from having him in my life considering the life he lives. Regardless of logic, I was always envious of my friends who had their dads in their lives. I dreamt of a future where my daughter(s) could have that special relationship with their father. There was no way I could have known at age 8 how lucky I would get in the 'baby-daddy' department when I grew up and got married.

Jeff's and my marriage isn't perfect. We argue, we discuss, we re-evaluate how we handle ourselves and how we speak to each other, we work on better communication constantly; we're always trying to improve, but after only 4 years of being married we're nowhere near the perfection you find in couples who have been together for 60 years. (Though, I hope and think that we'll get there in another 50 years or so.)

However, the love that my daughter has in her heart, the love that shines through her eyes and her smile, when it comes to her Daddy is perfect. The love that she has for him does wonders at healing the pain and hurt in my heart from years ago from not having my dad around. At 26 the pain and insecurities from his absence isn't what it used to be and I'm no longer crippled by the idea of running into him - what would I say? should I confront him? etc. - which is a good thing and a great improvement on my adolescent self. Now that I'm a mother, watching my daughter, I almost think that my father's absence has turned out to be a bigger blessing that I originally thought. Because of the hole I felt growing up I'm able to really, truly, appreciate the love my Bean has for her Daddy. It warms my heart and makes me teary eyed when I catch them snuggling and reading or coloring. It makes my heart swell when she squeals and runs to him when he walks in the door after work. It makes me want to stop time when they're having a 'moment' so that she, we, can cherish it for a bit longer.

I hope that on her Kindergarten open house she holds his hand and uses him as a security blanket while we meet her new teacher and future friends. I hope that when she's 8 he's there dancing with her at the father-daughter girl scout dance. I hope that when she's 13 and some rude boy at school makes fun of her for being lanky or for having glasses he'll be there to boost her self esteem back up. I hope that when she's 17 and her first 'real' boyfriend comes to pick her up for a date he's there giving him the 3rd degree. I hope that when she's 19 and going off to college she saves her last hug goodbye for her Daddy and they whisper secret father daughter declarations of love and cry and kiss and reluctantly let go and wave goodbye. I know Jeff will be there, I just hope that their relationship will be what it is now and she lets him 'in' to her life - and never lets go.

I hope that she always has what I never did. I hope she's always a Daddy's girl.

Yesterday, on Mother's Day, she found an old picture of Jeff from when he was in high school in the back pocket of the drivers seat in his truck. It was a nothing-special picture. I candid photo someone took while Jeff was sitting in his car. He's not smiling, he wasn't posing, he wasn't expecting to have his picture taken. But she loves it. She instantly clutched it to her chest and didn't let it go. She kept pointing and saying, "Wow... Dada!!" and giving it kissies. Eventually it started to get a bit bent so I put it in a plastic frame to protect it. She loves it. She props it up next to her when she's watching Calliou in the morning. She propped it up next to her while she ate breakfast. She took it to the glass sliding door to watch the birds and squirrels at the feeder. She's bringing her Daddy along with her when he's gone to work.

I love my girl so much. And I love that she loves her Daddy with all her heart. All little girls deserve to be Daddy's Girls, saddly not all Daddies realize what an honor it is to be loved so fiercely by their daughters. Thankfully, Bean's Daddy gets it.

♥ ♥ ♥

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Aw Nicole. I just loved this post. So sweet. You are so lucky (and I am too!). Jeffery is a great daddy.