What's in a name?

April 23, 2010.

I was laying in bed, at my mom's house, in her guest room - which is my old room - in my old bed. Jeff was at work - he was working graveyard shifts. My mom was in Florida. She had gone there about 2 weeks prior to help take care of my Grandpa, who was very sick with cancer, and my Grandma, who was suddenly very sick with pneumonia and in the hospital. I was laying in bed, with my dogs on the bed with me, but otherwise alone. There isn't a tv in that room, and I didn't have the radio on. I tried reading, but I couldn't focus.

On April 8th, 2010 Jeff and I went to the gender scan ultrasound appointment and learned we would be bringing a daughter home, sometime in August. We were overjoyed (admittedly, I was a bit nervous and shocked - I'd always dreamed of having a boy one day, even my pregnant-lady dreams all involved a son), my mom was excited for a grand-daughter and she and my Grandma joked about my getting "payback" by being blessed with a daughter.

But now Jeff and I had to pick a girl's name! We already had a boy's name picked out, but hadn't given much thought to a girl's name. (I already, briefly, talked about how we settled on Madeline's name, but most of the emphasis was about her middle name - Jo - being picked in honor of my Grandpa. This is about how Madeline came to be.)

We went to Disneyland to celebrate our 2nd wedding anniversary on April 9-11, 2010 and went back and forth on girl's names, ending up with a short list of about 8 names on the back of an envelope by the time we got home that weekend. After we got back from California is when my Grandma got sick and my mom flew to Orlando to help my with grandparents.

My mom called me early the morning of April 16th to tell me that my Grandma passed away. I didn't see that coming. I cried and cried and cried. I woke Jeff up - who has just gotten home from work an hour before and had just falled asleep - with all my crying. I called my boss to tell him the news and told him I wouldn't be in. And then I sat. And cried. And sat. I had an OB appt, scheduled far in advance for that day and decided to go - to make sure everything was ok with my daughter - but all I remember of that appointment is crying to my Dr about my Grandma's death. I'm sure she checked her heartbeat. I'm sure she told me what new changes to look out for, what new milestones to expect, but I don't remember any of it. I just remember crying. Thankfully, Jeff was there to drive me to and from because I don't remember the drive there.

I went back to work the next Monday. I don't remember much that whole week. I was in a weird haze. I'd call and talk to my mom every day. I'd ask her how she was doing. I'd ask her how my Grandpa was doing. I sent flowers. I tried to not cry very much to my mom since I knew her pain must be a million times worse. And she was being so strong for my Grandpa's sake, so I didn't want to make her cry by my crying.

At some point during that 1st week without my Grandma I stopped crying, but I still don't remember doing anything specific.

Which brings me back to the night of April 23, 2010. Where I was laying in bed, at my mom's house, all alone except for my dogs. The book I was trying to read was The Art of Racing in the Rain (which has a pretty sad part in it, by the way, I don't recommend reading it following the death of a loved one) but, like I said I just couldn't focus so I put it down.

I was alone in a dark, empty house, at night... feeling really alone - emotionally - and kinda numb and then I realized - yes, REALIZED, suddenly after a week of being so detached from the world - that I wasn't alone, after all. My daughter was with me. Always with me. So, I put my hand on my stomach and started talking - out loud - to her. I apologized for not talking to her much lately. I told her I loved her. I asked her how she was feeling. I was trying to re-connect with her.

I was told early on in my pregnancy that I had an anterior placenta. Which meant that my placenta was positioned on the front of my uterus, which made feeling my baby's movements harder than if the placenta was positioned on the back wall of my uterus.

I was talking, out loud, to my daughter as if she was going to respond to me. At one point I asked her, "Can you hear me? Let me know if you can hear me." Nothing happened. But I kept talking. I told her about my Grandma. I told her I was sorry that she'd never get to meet her, and told her about how much my Grandma loved her. How excited she was to meet her. I cried some more, but I kept talking. Eventually, I declared that she needed a name! And I reached over to the nightstand and grabbed the envelope of names. I asked her if she liked Johanna? (nothing.) Arabella? (nothing.) Amelia? (nothing.) Madeline? (kick.) My heart jumped. I held my breath. I smiled involuntarily. And I went on. Josephine? (nothing.) Kendall? (nothing.) Isabelle? (nothing.) I said Madeline again. (kick. elbow-roll. kick.) I laughed and told her I was going to tell her Daddy that she picked her own name.

And when I told him how it happened he just smiled and said, "Well, ok then. Madeline it is." ♥ And it was. From that night on I never thought of her as anything else.

I swear, I came out of that sad, dark, lonely haze after that night. My daughter had a name - that she picked - and I was talking about my Grandma again. I was still sad, I'm still sad, but I wasn't numb anymore. As super-cheesy as it sounds, my Bean-girl pulled me out of that haze and reminded me that I had something wonderful to look forward to.

People would ask me how we picked Madeline, and I would usually give a generic answer about finding it in a baby book, liking the meaning, etc etc... but it's sort of hard to explain that we didn't pick Madeline. Madeline did.

slow down and enjoy the ride

The last couple of nights my girl has been waking up a lot, I mean - 3-4 times a night, which is a LOT. Yes, I'm tired because of it. No, I don't drink coffee. No, I don't get naps since she only takes 30 min naps. But... I haven't minded. It's not going to be like this forever. She's not going to wake up in the night frequently for much longer (in the grand scheme of things). She's not going to need extra snuggle time for much longer. So, for now, I'm going to enjoy it.

I'm going to enjoy the weight of her little body laying across my chest. I'm going to enjoy her little fingers raking my arm back and forth a hundred times. I'm going to breathe in her sweet baby breath. I'm going to steal a million kisses from her soft forehead. I'm going to find peace in the rhythm of her breathing as she matches it with mine. I'm going to smile to myself as she turns her head to the right, then the left, then the right again while she's trying to get comfortable. I'm going to savor this moment because it's going to be gone before I'm ready for it to be.

There will be days when she'll want her Daddy over me. There will be days when it seems she likes spending time her friends more than me. There will eventually come a day that she'll want to be around anyone other than me. But for now, she wants her Momma. And as tired as I may be throughout the day, I'm so happy that I get to be there for her and that I can make it all better when she wakes up and needs an extra snuggle sesh. I'll gladly snuggle-bunny my Bean, even if it means I don't get a full night's sleep. Because my girl doesn't snuggle with just anyone. She's not a snuggler. I'll take what I can get. And truthfully, middle of the night snuggles are sort of sweet; the house is quite, the world outside is quite, it's just me and her, and I get to watch and take in every little thing about her while she drifts back to sleep. And once she does... I softly kiss her face and lay her back down. Ready to come back to her as soon as she needs me.

Half Birthday?

My dear, sweet Madeline,

I can't believe it's the eve of your 6 month birthday! Six months?! Where has the time gone? People warn you, when you're pregnant, that the time FLIES by but there's no way to really understand that until you're thrown into parenthood. Mommyhood. Sweet Bean, I'm so lucky to be your Mommy!

You personality is too big for your little 14lb body! You're bursting at the seams, and if I dare to blink I miss something new you're discovering! You've got the most infectious smile and laugh and I spend most of my day trying to get one or the other out of you. Thankfully, when nothing else works, I've found your tickle-spots and they don't let me down very often! Your Daddy's favorite thing to do is to throw you so high into the air and you squeal and laugh until he can't throw you anymore because his arms are too tired!

You're so alert and so curious about the world around you. Within the last month you've really started to notice the dogs. Even though we try to stop him, Rambo constantly wants to smell and lick your face while you roughly yank his ears and pull his hair and laugh when he steals a kiss. Roxanne is afraid of you - you're unpredictable - but you looooove her! On the rare occasion you get to pet her (when she's not paying attention) you laugh and scream and throw your head back in pure joy that you FINALLY got to pet her floofy hair! Once she gives you a chance I know she'll love you too!

We've started going to a story-time at the library across the street, where you bounce up and down and 'dance' to the music and songs we sing. Where you smile and laugh at the other babies and where you look on in amazement while the circle leader plays the flute and makes finger puppets come to life! I hope that some of these babies will become your friends in the future.

Now that you're SIX MONTHS OLD things are about to get crazy fun, and fast! You'll be crawling soon - not like you have ANY trouble getting anywhere you want to be now. You roll so fast across the floor and pull your toys off the shelf, you put everything into your mouth and seem determined to find every piece of lint on the floor that I missed and put it in your mouth before I can jump over the coffee table to stop you! You'll be starting to eat 'real' food and it'll be an adventure to find out which ones you like and which ones you don't.

I'm so so lucky that your Daddy works hard so that I can stay home with you. My heart would break into a million pieces if I had to miss out on all the wonderful things you do in a day. Colorado is my dream. Living here and staying home with you in my dream come true and I can't wait to see you embrace this life that I'm trying so hard to make close-to-perfect for you.

Sweet Bean, you're an amazing, beautiful, independent, brilliant, happy, curious - WONDERFUL baby and I'm so happy that you're mine! (Ours.) Happy Half Birthday, Baby. I can't remember my life before you. ♥

30 Days of Me Photo Challenge: Day Nine

Day Nine: Post a photo of the person who has gotten you through the most. What did this person do for you during your troubled time? What made you turn to them out of everyone else in your life?



Truth be told, I've been blessed enough to not have very many troubled times and the few times where I've hit some bumps in the road I've turned to different people, or to no one at all.

In general, however, my mom has gotten me through the most. She single handedly raised me, provided for me, nurtured me, taught me, comforted me, disciplined me, rewarded me and loved me.

For the first 17 years of my life it was pretty much just me and her. (Then at 17 I started dating Jeff and eventually married him when I was 22, at which point I became his problem. lol!) We didn't live near family for the majority of my life, and I didn't meet my brother and sister until I was in high school, so she was my whole family.

She sacrificed everything for me. Selflessly gave everything she had to be the best mother and father she could for me. And while I wasn't the easiest teenager to deal with (and she will tell you I'm still not always a walk in the park), I learned it from the best ;) and I hope she knows that regardless of my 'tude on any given day I love her and am so thankful that she was picked to be my mom.

I'm still here.... well, a new HERE, but I'm still here in the blogosphere...

I feel like it's been sssssssssssssoooooooooooooooooooo long since I've last updated that I need to have a OMGBBQAMAZBALLS update to come back with, but I don't know where to start!! THIS IS TOO MUCH PRESSURE!!!!

We live in Colorado now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!

Apparently, if you wish for, pray for, talk about and think about something often enough it really does come true!!

It's amazing! Money is TIGHT, tighter than tupperware, but still I'm happy here. Happy with the weather. Happy with the people. Happy with my life.

(seriously, Jeff's truck was broken in to - window completely smashed out and GPS stolen, I lost my cell phone, and I've had pink eye for over a week and I'm still happy!!)

I'll start back up on my 30 Days of Me photo challenge in a few days, scouts honor!!

Madeline is doing wonderfully!! She weighs 14lbs and 12oz and is 26" long! She's up on her knees, rocking back and forth like crazy in preparation to crawl, she rolls both ways - and rolls across the room to get what she wants! She's mainly wearing 6 month clothes, but is in some 9 month pants - thanks to her fluffy cloth diaper-butt! She is still exclusively breastfed, but we did put together her high chair, so when she's ready to start solids we'll be ready for her! We just put together her big girl crib as she finally outgrew her bassinet... she's 5.5 months old - I can't believe she's almost 6 months old!! I feel like I JUST had her!

ok, that's all for now.... it's been awhile though, so I'll leave you with a current picture of my sweet girl!

30 Days of Me Photo Challenge: Day Eight

Day Eight: Post a photo that makes you laugh. What made this moment so funny?


we rule @ picking out clothes

Ah, yes. My brother, Chad, and I at some bar in some hotel/casino in Reno, NV the night before our paternal Grandfather's funeral. We're keepin' it classy here, people!

We got to the hotel in time for some dinner and some drinking. But first, a wardrobe change was necessary. He goes into the bathroom to change, I stay in the room part of the room. I holler when I'm done, he comes out when he is. And we smile and nod when we notice that we both decided it'd be appropriate to wear ridiculous shirts to help narrate our intentions for the evening.

Fast forward to this picture. I can't remember the song, but we were in a dueling piano bar - drinking, singing (it was more like yelling), and dancing (ok, it was more like swaying) to the music. We asked some guy next to us to take our picture because, well, we don't get together often, but when we do we make sure to have fun and we wanted to mark the occasion. *This* was the result.

Cheesy shirts? Check.
Embarrassingly rosey cheeks/nose? Check.
Beer IN the picture (to remove all doubt about our mental state)? Check.
Glassy eyes? Check.
Making the best of a crappy situation? Double Check.

Fun memory with my fun brother? You got it, Check!

30 Days of Me Photo Challenge: Day Seven

Day Seven: Post a photo of your most treasured item. Why is this item special to you? How did you come to own this item?


I do.

As cheesy as it sounds, my wedding set is my most treasured item. Not because of the purdy diamonds, but because of the meaning. I love Jeff with all my heart and sincerely want to spend the rest of my life with him. We've been together since I was 17 years old and I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. He's my best friend and the best Daddy I could have asked for for Madeline.

These rings let the world know that I'm taken. That Jeff has my heart, and that I'm half of a pairing. Not everyone who wears wedding rings value their meaning, but I do. It's not about what style they are, or the carat weight of the diamonds. It's about the love between two people who've CHOSEN to spend their lives together.

The significance of my rings became greater once my mom brought home my grandparent's wedding rings. They wore their rings for 65+ years. They wore them until they were too sick and skinny for them to fit, they wore them until they passed away. And they'll forever be together. Sitting together forever. I want to wear my rings until they no longer fit. Until I'm old and frail and I physically can't wear them anymore.

I want to go through my life with these rings on my finger and anytime the sun hits the solitaire I can be reminded of Jeff and smile. Any time someone notices my ring and asks, "So, you're married?" I can smile and explain that yes, I've been married for "X" number of years. I want Madeline to see them and think they're beautiful and want to have rings of her own one day. And, *IF* I ever get an upgrade I want to keep these safe and possibly give them to her fiance, if he/she wants to use them, to be her first engagement/wedding rings.

I love my rings. I love the man who they link me to. ♥