Such a strong personality!

At 14 months old Madeline has a VERY strong personality. This is nothing new; she has known who she was from day one. But now that she's getting older, bigger, stronger, louder, etc. There are a few challenges that we've been dealing with. Things that I know are common and routine for toddler-hood, and while I know the psychology behind why she's doing these things, I don't know how to make her feel validated/secure/understood so that she doesn't make these undesirable traits into habits.

1. Hitting. If she's not happy with someone/something she hits it/them. It started with her just swinging at it/them, but has now turned into full on slapping or today - close-fisted hitting. Not cool, dude.

I try to catch her hand/arm before she makes contact, bring it down to her side and tell her either in her ear or in her face while looking directly into her eyes, "No ma'am. We don't hit when we're mad."

2. Head butting. This usually happens if she's sitting on my lap and reaches (repeatedly) for something I won't let her have. IE: A knife at the dinner table. If I have already told her not to touch something a million times and then restrain her hands - usually by holding her hands in mine - she gets frustrated and will throw her head back into my throat/chin.

Again, all I know to do is to tell her "No ma'am. We don't do that. That hurts." If she continues to do it I set her down on the floor (if we're at home) and tell her that if she's going to act that way she can't sit on my lap.

3. Yelling/screaming. Usually if I'm not letting her do what she wants - playing in/eating the dog food for example - and I keep removing her from where she wants to be she'll walk around yelling, "NO!!" or other baby-words that I can't understand, but her sentiment is quite clear. She's pissed and letting me know about it.

I normally don't do anything in this situation because yelling at her isn't going to get her to stop yelling and I don't feel like I need to do the whole "inside voices" schpeal yet since she doesn't really do this out in public.

don't make her angry - she'll cut you!

I want her to be able to express herself is she's upset, and I want her to feel comfortable doing so, but I don't know how to get her to do that without being hurtful.

I'm sure some of your kids have/do act this way when they're upset. What do you do in similar situations? What words of wisdom can you give me?

Thanks!!

Milk Sharing

Many moons ago, after trying to nurse my daughter, dealing with thrush, intense pain, nipple shields, Raynaud's, plugged ducts and a myriad of other issues I finally got to a point where I couldn't continue on. Mentally, emotionally, I couldn't keep trying to nurse my daughter. I stuck it out for 11 weeks though, and for that I'm truly proud of myself.

After having a lot of mixed emotions about the events leading up to, and then the actual, birth of my daughter I was determined to at least make breastfeeding work. There was no other option as far as I was concerned. When I decided to exclusively pump there was a couple of weeks where I struggled to get my supply where it needed to be. You see; your body, the hormones in your body that are produced when you nurse a baby, responds SO MUCH BETTER to a child actually suckling at the breast. The warmth of the baby's body against yours, the smell of their sweet baby breath, the sweet sounds of the inhale, suck, swallow, exhale, repeat while they nurse - it all triggers your body to release hormones and other chemicals to tell your body to produce milk. You don't get quite the same physical reaction from the mechanical whir of an electric breast pump. The flanges are cold and hard. There is no peach fuzz covered head to nuzzle. And pumping - especially exclusively - can feel really lonely. So, while I made the transition from nursing to EPing I had a couple weeks where I FLEW through my tiny freezer "stash" and couldn't keep up with what Madeline would drink in a day.

I went to my most favorite breastfeeding support group looking for support and reassurance that my daughter was thriving on my pumped breastmilk. One of my friends/lactation counselors asked how I was doing, and I broke down. I cried and told her that I was out of frozen milk and that I was terrified that I'd have to give her formula. She told me what I already knew: that formula wasn't the end of the world. But I just didn't want to. I wasn't going to give formula unless I was COMPLETELY giving up on breastfeeding and I wasn't ready to do that yet. I asked about herbs to take to increase my supply, I vowed to make special oatmeal lactation cookies, and drink a TON of water a day. But I was still worried.

Another mother at the breastfeeding circle who I had only previously said "Hi" and "cute baby" to, came up to me and asked why I was crying. I explained my situation and she said to me, like it was no big deal, "Don't cry. You can do this. Come to my house after the meeting and I will give you milk. I'll give you enough for a week. If you need more after it's gone come back and I'll give you more. If you don't use it all give it back. But in the meantime, focus on getting your supply up and if you fall short use mine. You can do this." I was shocked. I never would have expected someone to be so selfless. Like I said - I didn't know her, she didn't know me. That was HER milk that she had worked hard to pump that was meant for her daughter. I couldn't believe this blessing had been plopped into my lap.

Truthfully, I don't know that I even knew milk sharing existed. I knew of wet nurses "back in the day", but you don't hear about that happening anymore. I'm sure that in the days before having Madeline I probably would have wrinkled my nose at the thought, but now that I was in the situation I was in, after reading everything I could about breastfeeding, becoming educated on the topic, and being so damned determined to provide my daughter with breastmilk I didn't bat an eye.

Sure, it was someone else's brestmilk. But so is that 2% you buy in the grocery store. The difference is that the milk in the grocery store was originally intended for baby cows. And my daughter was a baby human. Thus, making the human breastmilk idea not so icky after all. Sure, you can worry about all the what-ifs, but I chose to trust that her healthy, happy, chunky-thighed 9 month old daughter was thriving on her momma's breastmilk and if it was good enough for her daughter then it was good enough for mine.

So I went to her house after that meeting and she loaded up an insulated bag full of frozen milk, gave me a genuine hug and sent me on my way. Thankfully all the herbs and water and yummy lactation cookies worked and within a week my supply was up where it needed to be and I was even able to freeze a bag of my own here or there to start my own stash. I returned what I didn't use and was - AM - so unbelievably grateful to that woman.

I always said that one day I wanted to repay the favor to someone else in need. But because I was EPing I always felt nervous to give it away since once I stopped pumping all I'd have left was what was in my freezer, and if I gave away too much my daughter wouldn't have breastmilk for as long as I'd like her to. I told myself I wouldn't donate any milk until Madeline would take another type of milk in a sippy or bottle. I'd have to feel confident that if I gave away some of her milk that she'd be ok and could drink something else.

At 14 months old she will finally drink organic cow's milk if it's warmed up and in a bottle - not a sippy. (Don't even try the sippy. She'll look at you like you're nuts and throw it on the ground.) She still prefers breastmilk - hello?? It's way sweeter! - but she'll drink cow's milk if need-be.

After counting up all the bags of frozen milk in my deep freezer I decided to take the leap and post on the HM4HB Colorado page that I had milk to donate to a baby in need. I posted that I had 60oz of milk that I could part with and was willing to meet up with a momma in Northern CO to give it to her and her baby.

My post wasn't on that page for more than 6 hours before I had someone contact me asking if it was still available. She lived down in Colorado Springs (3 hours South of where I am) but was willing to drive to get milk for her son. Her son is just shy of two years old, he is adopted (which is why she isn't BFing him herself), he has Down Syndrome, two heart defects, bad acid reflux, asthma and was FTT (failure to thrive) on all the different high-calorie formulas the Drs were prescribing to him. He spent most of last winter in the hospital with RSV 3 times and pneumonia twice. Once she switched him to donor breastmilk he finally began to gain weight and meet him developmental milestones. He is still not eating many solid foods, but is doing great on breastmilk and the few solid foods that he does eat. She is hopeful that by stocking up on brestmilk before it gets into the cold winter months she'll be able to keep him inside, feed him the "good stuff" and keep him out of the hospital this year so he can enjoy the holidays at home with his family.

I was more than honored that she trusted me to help feed her child. To help keep her child healthy. She's seen him be sssssooooo sick and weak, she doesn't want that to happen again, and she was putting her trust into ME and MY MILK to keep her little boy from having to go through all that again. I'm honored.

I met with her today at the local Target food court to give her 60oz of my milk in the same insulated bag that donor milk was given to me in a year ago. I feel incredibly blessed to have a healthy daughter who has grown and thrived on my breastmilk despite my struggles. I feel incredibly lucky that I was able to respond to the pump as well as I have so that I could build up a freezer stash of 460oz so that I'd feel comfortable giving away 60oz to someone who could truly use and appreciate it. And if I get to a point where I have more milk to donate I would love to donate again.

naptime

Today at naptime I rocked you to sleep in the glider your Gramma and my Grandpa bought for you. While I rocked you I was blown away at how big you seem. Gone are the days of you looking like a little squishy Bean. You seem like a full blown toddler now.

You always sleep to music, so I put on your Disney Lullabies cd, closed the drapes and turned the lights off. When we first nestled down in the rocking chair you grabbed your Bun-Blankie

and snuggled her up under your chin. I cradled you and started rocking, humming along with the music.

As you stared to get sleepy you started to rub your eyes and nose and yawned a biiiiiig yawn - it was the first time (that I can recall) where you audibly yawned. It made me smile and imagine you doing it more and more the older you get. Three songs in, it was hard for you to keep your eyes open... but you tried as hard as you could. It was funny to see you raise your eyebrows as high as possible trying to force your eyes open. By the time the fourth song started you were out cold - and still holding on to Bun-Blankie. I kissed your face, breathed in your sweet baby breath and then kept rocking.

I held you close and rocked you for 2 more full songs before I finally laid you down to go finish the laundry. I know it sounds cheesy, but I swear - I felt like that was the last time I'd get to rock my baby Madeline to sleep. From now on, I'll be putting my toddler Madeline down to bed.

I look forward to toddler adventures, but already miss my baby. ♥

Dear my one year old,

My dear, sweet Maddy Jo Bean. I can't believe you turn one year old today. It doesn't seem possible that an entire year has passed since you came into our lives. This first year of your life has been a crazy, emotional, awesome adventure and I wouldn't change a thing! You've taught me so much about myself, and through being your mommy I've been forever changed.

You've always known who you were. Your personality hasn't really changed since you were born. You're generally a happy, easy going baby, but if you're upset you make sure everyone within earshot knows it. There were those first few weeks where you were "colicky", but looking back it only lasted for a short period of time, and you've been my sweet Bean since. (Our lactation consultant, Tiffanie, reminded me once during an emotional break down - of mine - that you had a rough entrance into this world and thus had a story to tell. She told me to let you tell your story, and remind you that I was there for you. That I was sorry you were upset, but that I loved you. You did have a bit of a rough entrance into the world, and it helped for me to remind myself of that when you'd be inconsolable for hours every night.) Your emotional outbursts are getting fewer and farther between now that you've learned some sign language. Communication is key, and when you can't communicate what it is that you want or need you get frustrated. However, now that you're a Big-Girl-Bean your outbursts are getting more dramatic - and more amusing. You throw your head back, sometimes you cover your mouth with both hands, sometimes you cover your eyes. Sometimes you toddle over to me, crying, put your head on my shoulder and when I kiss you or pat your back you pull away, look me straight in my eyes and make your saddest face and start crying harder. As if you REALLY want me to know that you're REALLY upset. haha.

You've always been a Daddy's Girl and that hasn't changed. Since your Daddy works he gets a fabulous Welcome Home greeting every evening. I know it warms my heart to see you SO happy and excited to see him come in the door - I can only imagine how it makes him feel. When he comes in the door it's like no one else is in the room. I hope that never changes. I hope you're always a Daddy's Girl because your Daddy really is great and he loves you so so so much!

The days leading up to your birthday had me a bit emotional. My thoughts were, "if this year has flown by THIS fast, how fast will the next 17 go?!" I feel like I can't blink or I'll miss something new and wonderful that you're doing. You started walking about 3 weeks ago and the list of things you can do increases by leaps and bounds every day! My favorite thing you do, now, is watching you stand up, look over your shoulder at me, giggle and then start running away from me. When I get up and start to "chase" you you start to laugh and squeal in delight. I stomp after you in a dramatic, slow motion style and you just scream and laugh and I can't get enough! When either you trip and fall or when I "catch" you and you tumble to the ground I "tickle attack" you and you laugh sssooo loud. I wish I could bottle your sweet baby laughter. I know, for a fact, that the sweet sound could cheer up the saddest of days.

I feel so lucky to have been able to stay home with you and look forward to our future. As you get bigger we'll be able to have more out-of-the-house adventures, but until then I'm happy to be home with you, reading, dancing, singing and playing.

Happy 1st Birthday Madeline Jo. I love you more than I could ever express.

7lbs 3oz 1 day old

18lbs 12oz 1 year old

Madeline's 1st birthday party

What the world? I can't believe my kid is going to be ONE YEAR OLD tomorrow! We had her birthday party this last Saturday so that my family who was visiting from Florida and my mom could attend. Many people say that first birthday parties are just for the parents, that they're no big deal, but for me it was more than that. I was excited to plan my daughter's very first birthday party. I've never planned a party before for myself or anyone else, but I wanted to plan out something special for my girl. I liked looking through Pinterest to get ideas about a theme, decorations, food, cake, etc. I liked going to Hobby Lobby to get the supplies to make the decorations and the cake. I liked making pennants for the "Happy 1st Birthday" banner. I liked making cakepops for the first time. I really enjoyed making my girl's first birthday something special.

Next year, I'm hoping she'll (we'll) have friends from playgroups, library story time, Cool Beans Playhouse or where ever, so that I can also plan games and party favors too. I've already been looking through Pinterest for party ideas for the future. In a few years she'll be jumping up and down shrieking that she wants a Fancy Nancy party, or whatever it is that she thinks is cool when she's 6 years old, but until then I'm going to plan - and execute - awesome parties to the best of my ability. And I'll take a ton of pictures so she can look back and see what awesome parties she's had.

Her FIRST birthday party had a Watermelon/Picnic theme:

My mom made Madeline's adorable watermelon dress

My heart breaks

I'll never, ever, understand why good women have to go through such insurmountable pain from the loss of their child. I'll never, ever, understand why unborn babies have to die. I'll never, ever, understand why good, loving women who want nothing more to have a child have fertility problems.

I obviously get the science of it. Sometimes there are genetic issues, sometimes there are unforeseen health problems, sometimes something unexplainable goes wrong. But it doesn't make it hurt less. I'm not someone with strong enough religious convictions to find comfort in the thought that "God has a plan for them." It may be true, but it doesn't make me feel better. It doesn't make me less angry for the mothers, or sad for the babies.

In 5 days 4 of my friends have lost their babies. Two of them were in their first trimester, one was in her second trimester, and one was 4 days from her due date. I know life isn't fair, but this takes the cake. All of these babies were wanted, loved, and looked forward to. Their mothers had dreams for their futures, and it's not fair that their dreams got ripped away from them.

I wish for a day that this kind of pain no longer exists for my friends or any other mothers. My heart goes out to my friends, I wish I could take your pain away. :( Rest in Peace Baby Aiden, Baby R, Baby N #4 and Baby Rory.

Maddy's 1st cold

Before I was a mother I did a lot of babysitting. I took many child development, child psychology and education classes. I worked in a preschool - and particularly loved the 18 month class. I had many friends with babies. I loooooved babies. I had endless amounts of patience for kids - especially sick, sad, tantrum-y, clingy kids. Stinky diapers didn't phase me. Spit up by the bucket full didn't phase me. I thought for sure that all that experience and education with babies and kids would leave me cool, calm and collected when the day came that I was a mother and my kid was sick.

Color me wrong.

Looking back now I should have known something was off with Madeline, but I just chalked it up to teething. She was teething, but she was acting different. We were at her Guppy swim class last Wednesday (June 29th) and she wanted nothing to do with the nursery rhyme games we were playing. She didn't want to "swim" after her rubber duckie. She didn't want to play in the bubbles. (The swim class is held in the heated therapeutic pool that's used primarily by arthritic seniors and handi-capable individuals. It has water jets like a hot-tub has and you can sit on the steps and the babies like to play with the bubbles.) She didn't want to laugh and "talk" to the other babies and even started whimper-crying when the instructor tried to play with her. Instead she just wanted to lean into my chest, put her head on my shoulder and play with my necklace. She felt warm, but not enough for me to worry. The other parents looked at me with pity, "poor baby" "teething is so hard" "I remember those days" were some of the comments I got.

When we left the Guppy class she pretty much went back to her normal self, so I just assumed her clingy behavior had something to do with teething mixed with a developmental thing. All babies that I've known have gone through multiple stranger-danger phases where they're really bashful and ONLY want mom or dad. I took her home, changed her clothes and put her down for a nap.

The Bean that woke up from her nap was different than the one I laid down 90 mins prior. She was a FUSSY-MUSS!! Tantrums over every.little.thing! The yelling and growling and squealing was like nothing I'd seen her do before. There were (more than) a few times that I looked at her and asked, "What is your deal?!" I was at a complete loss. My girl has always had a flare for the dramatic, but she's not normally so angry.

I trudged on, counted down the minutes until Jeff got home from work hoping that he would bring our Bean-girl back from the abyss, and was disappointed when our resident "Daddy's Girl" didn't return when her Daddy walked through the door. So, we struggled through dinner, bathtime, pajama time, story time and I collapsed on the cough with an audible "Phew!" when I finally put her down for bed.

30 mins after she fell asleep I heard, over the monitor, the first signs of her cold. Snoring like a dude. Darth Vader mouth breathing. I, still in denial, laughed at the sounds coming out of her room and thought her teething, or maybe even allergies, were making her snore. About an hour after that, though, the coughing started. The type of coughing that was caused by drainage down the back of her throat. The type of coughing that would end up waking her up every 2 hours or so. ALL.NIGHT.LONG. (for the next two nights.)

The next day when I'd put her down for her nap she's sleep for about 15-20 mins before coughing herself awake and then giving up on the nap all together about 15 mins laters. A sick baby NEEDS to sleep to get better, but thanks to this stupid cold she wasn't able to sleep.

Saline spray? we used it.
Nose sucker? we used it.
Vicks on her chest, back and feet? we used it.
Hyland's homeopathic cold remedy? we used it.
Humidifier? we used it.

Nothing seemed to help. I felt sssooo helpless. I was less than cool, calm and collected. Not only was I paranoid that her cold was actually some yet-to-be-discovered llama flu, but I was also sick. So, not only did she need sleep - but so did I. And since she wasn't sleeping, either was I.

In reality, she was only really - REALLY - sick for 2 days. It came on fast, hit her hard, and then she started to get better. She was still suuuuuuuuuper snotty, I still needed to suction her nose, she was still taking crappy naps - but her temperament and personality was pretty much back to normal after those two days. And, two days after that she started taking good naps again, and stopped waking herself up at night, so her mood improved even more after that.

I was not a fan of this cold. And wasn't stoked that she shared it with me. But we both survived. I need to dig around in my dresser and find my big-girl-panties, though, for the next time she's sick because if she's sick with something worse than a cold I can't be FUH-REAKING out, thinking in worst case scenarios, when all she has is the flu (or strep throat, or chicken pocks, or some other totally benign childhood illness) and all she needs is her mom to be cool, calm and collected and take care of her.

poor, sick Maddy Jo